Tony Stark's Valentine's Day Chocolate Mayhem
by dormammu
Summary: Nothing says "I like you. Go out with me?" better than a gigantic chocolate heart threatening to fall over on some innocent people. (posted on ao3 in 2016)


Tony Stark's Valentine's Day Chocolate Mayhem

Dormammu

Summary:

Nothing says "I like you. Go out with me?" better than a gigantic chocolate heart threatening to fall over on some innocent people.

Work Text:

Steve Rogers was on the verge of running for his life. He was being chased by a 10 ft tall walking chocolate heart. The damned thing had teeth and when he hit it with his shield, some sort of red goo momentarily came out before the "wound" closed.

And his day had started so well.

-

He and Tony had breakfast together. The final two single Avengers standing, Tony had said. At which Steve could only mentally sigh.

Most of Steve's teammates knew by now about the huge torch he was carrying for Tony. Some of them were very supportive if in a somewhat smothering manner (Clint and Sam), not so softly nudging him to ask Tony out already, but Steve wouldn't even try. Not for the lack of courage, but for the lack of encouragement from Tony. The guy didn't like Steve that way, he just didn't. But that was alright. He could still hold dear those rare moments spent just with Tony, talking or sharing a meal, or watching TV. Tony's friendship was enough, it had to be.

That morning they had pancakes together and Tony asked him if he had anyone special.

"You know I don't," Steve had said. "What about you? Did you call the... the model, Svetlana was it?"

"No. You know Steve, you're really hot, and -" Tony took a bite of pancake, while Steve made himself not look if there was any blueberry syrup on his lips, and if he was going to lick it off. "- you're a great person. Anyone would be lucky to be your... I mean, I'd just love to see you happy with someone and maybe even-" Tony took another bite, and why was Steve finding his appalling manners endearing? Oh right...

Steve rattled off his usual excuses: no time, no candidates, no need. At which Tony smiled at him, shook his head a little and changed the subject. It was a great breakfast all in all.

Then Tony went to his basement workshop and Steve, knowing it would be pushing his luck to follow him there, went for a walk.

When he got back Jarvis told him that Tony was not in his workshop, apparently he ran out after a brief phone call. Steve's heart sunk a little thinking it must've been Svetlana or some other special friend of Tony's.

He didn't let himself feel gloomy though, it just meant he was going to spend the day alone in the tower. He had a "trash sci-fi classic" with his name written on it to pass the time. So what if he and Tony had previously agreed to watch it together, Tony had probably already watched it and if not, he could watch it with Svetlana.

Steve looked through Tony's DVD collection, trying to find Plan 9 from Outer Space, when an alarm blared.

Jarvis informed him that there was a large monster on the Times Square, scaring people, there were no casualties yet but it was only a matter of time.

Steve quickly got dressed, got on his motorcycle and sped off to the Times Square. All the while trying to contact Iron Man through a secure comm, without any luck. He sincerely hoped Tony's new girlfriend was more of a quiet secluded cafe type and not into the type of commotion only New York's most famous square offered. Or that Tony didn't plan on bringing her to Giovanni's which was nearby and kind of a "Tony and Steve's" place anyway.

When he got to the scene he almost fell off his bike. What the hell, he thought as a huge chocolate heart with two stringy chocolate legs and two stringy chocolate arms turned toward him, then looked straight into his eyes and held his gaze. Its eyes looked like two giant holes until you really looked into them and saw something reddish move in those depths. It was diabolical.

Steve stared until the pounding of his own heart scared him enough to look away. A single thought was crystallizing in his head: "Run."

He almost did. But Steve never ran from danger. No Avenger did.

The heart, its teeth gleaming in the cold light of February noon, started wobbling toward him on those stringy legs. It was smiling. Steve launched his shield straight between its eyes. The thing was not deterred one bit by the red goo coming from the gash. Steve understood why when the chocolate around the "wound" he inflicted melted a little and re-solidified.

Luckily, a squad of policemen was herding the crowd that had gathered away from the square.

"Get me a flame-thrower and some hand grenades! And close off the perimeter! I know it looks funny but this thing could do a lot of damage!" Steve yelled at them. They weren't that near, he was pretty much alone with the gigantic chocolate monster. Tony would love this, he thought. But it looked like Steve was going to defeat a monster and watch Plan 9 today all by himself. Not a bad way to spend a Valentine's day.

"It's just you and me now, ugly," Steve yelled at the heart. "That's right, eyes on me! I'm your date today, Sweetcheeks! Hope you like heartbreakers like yours truly!" Steve chuckled at his own choice of words, he knew just how he sounded right then. Like Tony.

The heart was looking at him, not really moving anymore, it looked like it was waiting for his next move. Steve only hoped he could get it to keep waiting until the policemen came back with the hand grenades. He was going to throw two of them into his eye sockets and hope for the best. That was the plan.

Steve thought which Starkism to amuse it with next when he heard the distant babble of crowd behind him get louder. He couldn't turn around though, he couldn't risk enraging Sweetcheeks (yup, he was calling it that now) and putting people in danger. Soon though, a familiar whooshy, buzzy sound informed him what had happened. "Iron Man?" he said without turning around.

"Cap, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault!" came the staticky voice of his teammate. He was just behind Steve.

"Explain." Steve said, still not turning around, noticing that the heart had started shaking almost imperceptibly.

"I was going to do something special for this Valentine's Day. For a special person." this time the voice was all Tony and it was very near. He opened his visor? What the hell?!

"Tony, put your mask back on, you idiot!" Steve whispered angrily.

"I don't need it," Tony said matter-of-factly. "I have a special chemical solution that's going to bring that big boy back to his size here, that's why you didn't find me at the scene. I went back to the tower to get it. I was going to tell you not to suit up, that I and the policemen had it under control but my comm went kaput and I thought I was fast enough. When I saw you on the live feed with it, facing it like a big damn hero you are, my heart almost gave out! I thought my gigantic chocolate present was going to stomp you to death or, I dunno, eat you alive."

"Save it." Steve said, still eyeing Sweetcheeks, noticing that its shaking became more violent the more Tony talked. Its grotesque mouth and eye holes started drooping downwards, red goop sliding down its face. Steve didn't know how he knew it was going to explode but the moment he knew he quickly turned around and tackled Tony to the ground, raising his shield to protect them both.

Just in time, because in a matter of seconds Swetcheeks burst like a gigantic ulcer and covered a large area of Times Square in bits of chocolate and dollops of red goo - which was apparently just some sort of a cherry filling.

Steve got off of Tony. He looked down at his uniform, parts of it were so sticky and gooey it was probably never going to come out in wash.

"You all right?" Tony said, looking concerned, as he got up.

"Yeah," Steve said, offering a smile. "Another regular Sunday, right? Be threatened by and then explode a gigantic chocolate monster all over a tourist attraction."

"Steve I... I am so, so..."

"Sorry? You said, Tony. Let's just be happy no one got hurt."

"I guess I blew it then?" Tony said, looking defeated. "I... I had it all planned, Steve. A lunch at Giovanni's, a ride to the Staten Island Ferris wheel and then we'd go to this tiny movie theater that shows only crappy 50s and 60s movies. And then -"

"Look, you and Svetlana could still make it, Tony." Steve tried to sound happy for his friend, even though he couldn't prevent the frown he knew etched itself on his face when Tony mentioned Giovanni's. So he really was taking his new girlfriend to "their" place. "I'll stay here and help with the clean-up, I've got no other plans." He smiled at Tony. "Lucky for you."

Tony's face fell. Great, now Steve made him feel guilty.

"Svetlana?" Tony said, a blank look on his face. "Who's Svetlana? I was talking about our date, Steve." Tony motioned between them.

Now it was Steve's turn to look dumbstruck. "Our date? As in you and I together?" he repeated Tony's motion then paused. "On a date? As in not-a-fruit, outside-the-tower date? A date?"

"I didn't ask you, did I? I knew I forgot something!" Tony shook his head.

"Nope. You just did the thing where you have one half of conversation with me and the other half in your head." Steve said, unable to suppress a grin. Tony had planned a date, for them!

"So, anyway Steve I wanted to ask you," Tony started, a playful look in his eyes. "Would you like to go out with me?"

Steve looked at him seriously and said "Tony, we're already outside." Then he grinned at him. Tony grinned back. Steve knew Tony was a bright guy, some would even say a genius.

"So I better get a shovel then," he said, still looking at Steve, who felt like he was melting, or maybe it was the goo all over his uniform.

"Unless you want us to miss Plan 9 from Outer Space." Steve said.

Tony's eyes widened a little. Which was how Steve knew he guessed right. He decided to push his luck. Because Tony looked so adorable and because he just had a gigantic piece of candy explode all over him. He inched closer, holding Tony's gaze, and then slowly gave him a soft peck on the lips. "So that you work faster," he said, already backing away, knowing that letting Tony capture his lips could result in days of newspaper scandal and infamy "brought to you by J. Jonah Jameson". "Because, you know, I really want to see that movie." He smiled and fought an urge to take Tony's hand and squeeze it, and give a kiss to each knuckle, and... "Shovels!" He yelled at no one in particular. "Anyone have any shovels?!"

"Alright, calm your lovely butt, Captain. We'll get you a shovel." Tony said, winking at him.

All in all the day was turning into the best Valentine's day of Steve's life.

-

"So, the heart?" Steve asked Tony later, as they were walking to the movie theater, Steve thankfully showered and in clean clothes.

"I was only going to make it slightly bigger, for you, 'cos you're a big guy. I don't know what happened. Other than..." Tony went silent for a moment.

"Other than?"

"I borrowed a container from Bruce's pile. It was one tiny vessel. I don't even think it's possible. Do you know there are these weird dimensions that can bring all these weird creatures and forces into our own reality and no one knows -"

"Tony, shut up." Steve said, taking Tony's hand and dragging him into an alley nearby. _No cameras around now_ , he thought. "I demand some pre-movie entertainment, for everything I went through today because you didn't sterilize your vessel."

He crowded Tony against a wall and, smiling, kissed him on the nose, on the eyelids, cheeks and everywhere else on his face but on the lips. He could be an asshole too.

"Don't forget," Tony said in a low voice, "killing my own comm by stepping on it accidentally while warning people to get away from my rapidly growing nasty chunk of chocolate. Or making you think I was off on a date with some actress while you had to deal with a Valentine's Day commercial gone wrong alone. Oh and then there's-"

Steve caved then and kissed him properly, it was either that or kicking him in the balls. He needed those intact however, for later.

Much much later.


End file.
